All alone

Not a Buddhist anymore, not sure I was ever a real one anyway.

Going by the name “lutheran” nowadays, since quite recently actually but seriously enough to join the Church, get baptized and confirmed at the same time.

The Bible is a new passion of mine. Bible journaling, bible studies with books, videos, blogs, devotionals, you name it.

The Bible is new and so is the loneliness of not being able to share what I read and what helps me so much with the people I love most, since they are pretty much all atheists or agnostics. I am not a closet Christian anymore since I made a very official announcement with photos and tags and short text on the biggest social media for old farts like me. I am not in the tiny and dark closet anymore, I stand in the middle of a big bright room.

All alone.

Except for God, except for the moments I go back to Him in prayer and in silence, when the peace falls over me, breathing becomes easier and smiling, smiling even comes to mind as I whisper His name in gratitude.

All alone.

And that’s it really, isn’it ? That is our lot, our human condition, this infinite loneliness. So now, I am alone, but alone with God, who is of course a pretty huge mystery to me. The loneliness in this world feels quite compulsory then. How indeed could one ever share what is so deeply hidden and felt that even one’s reason has no grip on it? It is between Jesus and me, really, it all comes back to Him: Jesus. Having finally surrendered to him makes me realize and accept how lonely I am. There is not much comfort but the one that He knows me and loves me, always has, always will, whereas I keep on losing myself, being mistaken, failing.

Finding comfort in the certitude I am a constant failure even at my best and so are we all.

Now this in-built anxiety of being someone, achieving something, making it big, doing it right, living like this or that… this anxiety, I understand, comes from the fact I am not from this world.

How could I ever feel good here?