Christian meditation, a powerful tool

Check out the Abide app I use to get daily Christian meditations. https://abide.is/awesome

Fiia came to visit me last night

Fiia, my beautiful, smart and wise Maine Coon grandma died on Easter 2016.

Yet last night she came to visit me. I caressed her soft fur. I really felt it. She was lying by my side last night as she had been so many times before she left. I was with her, I was enjoying her low purr as she dozzed next to my leg. I felt happy and relieved.

Je t’aime, ma Fiia.

 

Photos

The “feral” kittens

Sirpa at the refuge

Irwin at the refuge

Zelda (formerly Sirpa° at home

Zelda at home

Basil (formerly Irwin) in front and Zelda (formerly Sirpa) behind

Basil & Zelda

I can touch Zelda without problems…

… the first time ever I could pet Basil. He leaned on my hand and started purring ❤

The dogs

At Tanja’s place dring our trip to France

Rufus

Lara

Jesper

Random

Thomasina & Norma

Snails out of my way, for thei own safety, at the dog park

At Tuulispää with Nunnu (and Lennu? behind)

Maxi being Maxi

Ichabod being Ichabod

A short lesson in the beauty of eggs

Had to say hello

I went to the refuge to see Sirpa and Irwin. I went inside their cage and sat there, giving them some treats. Sirpa took them, even if I deliberately kept my hand close to the treat. She even came down from her spot and at one point I could feel her little nose smelling the skin of my back because my short tee-shirt had risen up.

Irwin was hidden in the same spot as last time. I had a look inside and was surprised to realise how small he is. Smaller than Sirpa. He hissed and growled at me, I could feel his warm breath on my hand as I put the treat as close to him as possible in an attempt at seeing if he would actually attack me, which would have been a bad sign of course. I felt I needed to know just how wild he is. He is terrified, not wild, just terrified.

On the trip back home, I realised my heart was bouncing in my chest just as if I had fallen in love… and I must have. Sirpa (whose same will maybe become Zelda once she arrives) will be easily tamed. She was playing in the cage after getting the treats, once I was standing outside. I don’t know about Irwin but I don’t want to worry. If there is a home where he can get used to normal life, it’s definitely ours. Nobody else wants to get a ghost kitten, nobody else is crazy enough. The kittens also both have seen and heard dogs, since the workers bring theirs to work: I was greeted by a barking German shepherd. Perfect, as our three canine singers are often having indoor concerts in the kitchen and the living room…

Waiting…

They have no idea how much I love them already. They do not even know I exist, that our home is waiting for them, that I design in my mind the perfect “containment” room they will first be in to get used to their new life. “They” is two feral kittens from the local shelter. A male (Irwin) and a female (Sirpa), not related but about the same age. We didn’t even get a chance to see Irwin: he went into hiding in a nest of the cat tree and stayed there. There are also no pictures of him on the shelter’s website so I don’t know how he looks like. Doesn’t matter that much. What matters is he went to a home already but they brought him back, like Yoko. As for Sirpa, her siblings all got adopted but she’s still waiting. They are older kittens, maybe four months old so the chances of these two, older and very timid, getting adopted are quite small. That’s why I am taking them in. The other cats here will provide them with security and be a role model, show them humans are safe. I do not care at all if they stay timid and do not engage in cuddles. They can be and stay just as shy as they want and take all the time they need to learn and trust us a bit, trust life. May God help me remember this whenever I grow frustrated or worried about the kittens’ progresses.

All alone

Not a Buddhist anymore, not sure I was ever a real one anyway.

Going by the name “lutheran” nowadays, since quite recently actually but seriously enough to join the Church, get baptized and confirmed at the same time.

The Bible is a new passion of mine. Bible journaling, bible studies with books, videos, blogs, devotionals, you name it.

The Bible is new and so is the loneliness of not being able to share what I read and what helps me so much with the people I love most, since they are pretty much all atheists or agnostics. I am not a closet Christian anymore since I made a very official announcement with photos and tags and short text on the biggest social media for old farts like me. I am not in the tiny and dark closet anymore, I stand in the middle of a big bright room.

All alone.

Except for God, except for the moments I go back to Him in prayer and in silence, when the peace falls over me, breathing becomes easier and smiling, smiling even comes to mind as I whisper His name in gratitude.

All alone.

And that’s it really, isn’it ? That is our lot, our human condition, this infinite loneliness. So now, I am alone, but alone with God, who is of course a pretty huge mystery to me. The loneliness in this world feels quite compulsory then. How indeed could one ever share what is so deeply hidden and felt that even one’s reason has no grip on it? It is between Jesus and me, really, it all comes back to Him: Jesus. Having finally surrendered to him makes me realize and accept how lonely I am. There is not much comfort but the one that He knows me and loves me, always has, always will, whereas I keep on losing myself, being mistaken, failing.

Finding comfort in the certitude I am a constant failure even at my best and so are we all.

Now this in-built anxiety of being someone, achieving something, making it big, doing it right, living like this or that… this anxiety, I understand, comes from the fact I am not from this world.

How could I ever feel good here?

Thank Buddha, it’s Friday!

Temperance from the World Spirit Tarot, my card for today. Juggling things that are not necessarily compatible and trying to look like I know what I am doing. This relates to hen’s psychology and care, my professional future (HOH! I can hear you laugh!), my ever so challenging financial situation and budget.
Things I am good at today: pretending to have everything under control, eating Swedish limppu with margarine, catching aggressive young hens, walking with dogs in the snow.
Things I still need to work on tomorrow (and probably for the rest of my life): having money, having a tidy place, not falling asleep in front of the tv, eating vegetables.
Things I will be doing tomorrow: driving to Agrimarket to buy stuff for the hens, cleaning hen coop, taking a nap, trying not to go to the flea market (definitely no extra cash to spend), knitting, eating brocoli. In addition to the dogs’ walks and other routine pet related stuff that my days are full of, which I am deeply grateful for.

If I am really really brave, j’oserai partager ce blog avec ceux que j’aime et qui comptent un max pour moi.

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