I used to apologize a lot and for anything. Even the things I wasn’t responsible of.
Used to apologize for being in the way, everywhere was always the wrong place to be, sorry for standing here, sorry for sitting there, sorry for asking this or that. I felt stupid most of the time, stupid of being me, really.
Later, I apologized for my place being a mess and needing renovation, my cooking being awful, my tea cups being from different sets, my biscuits being the wrong brand, my clothes being covered in pets’ hairs, my dogs behaving badly, my car needing vacuuming.
I apologized for not eating meat then for being vegan. I apologized for my accent, for my bad Finnish, for being a foreigner, for being different. I felt sorry for doing too little and for doing too much. There was never anything I was doing right.
I tried so hard to be invisible, not to disturb, not to make waves. Tried to fit in, do what was expected from me, what I thought was expected. Tried to please, to earn, deserve and keep your love and your approval -if not your blessing. Tried to prove you I was worth after all and entitled too, not sure entitled to what by the way. I found a wonderful quote by Samuel Beckett and that was a good starting point: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” The seed was planted but it still took some years of darkness until I gave in and finally granted myself permission to be “forever under construction”. You know, all this speech about how there is no other final destination to life than death so we should enjoy the trip, the landscape and the moment. How are you supposed to enjoy the trip when your traveling company (yourself) is so bloody unpleasant, unbearable, plain awful? A nightmare, let me tell you. Well I am not sorry anymore.
I am done with apologizing for who I am.
I am spreading my wings at bloody 40 years old and taking back the place that was mine by birthright.
I am showing my true colors, speaking with my own voice in my own name. Dancing to the sound of my inner music, the drumming of my heart.
I am not sorry anymore.
No really: I am not sorry for being myself.
Actually, I enjoy it quite a bit.
Kiitos la vie ! 